


The Fine Line

by Skellington24



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 69 (Sex Position), Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Child Abuse, Gay, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-31
Updated: 2018-08-07
Packaged: 2019-05-16 15:16:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 12
Words: 19,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14813825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skellington24/pseuds/Skellington24
Summary: (6th year AU) Harry has the chance to recover from his abusive childhood, and now that the threat of the Dark Lord is gone(ish), Harry can start to live his life. Finding unexpected alliances with old rivals, Harry's life takes an unexpected turn, in a direction he feels like he doesn't deserve, and he needs the support of his loved ones to recover so that he can discover the fine line between love and hate.





	1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

_Sirius was waiting for me at Grimmauld Place, arms opened wide and welcoming. Repeatedly he thanked me for using his enchanted mirror to check with him before mindlessly storming into the Department of Mysteries, considering that could have ended disastrously. I hugged him as tightly as possible, just glad that nothing had happened to him because of my stupidity. Thank you, Hermione. He walked into what I remembered as the drawing room, but that's not what it looked like. It didn't look like a room at all, more like a garden. As I traversed further, I noticed that what I thought were garden structures had scripture on them. Like a huge Angel of Death that looked familiar, which held the names of the Riddle family. Everything fell into place, and I finally realised where we were. I searched for my godfather, but he was nowhere I could see. I started to panic, backing away from the sculpture in fear of what it meant. I tripped on something stiff, and I knew what it was before I looked. His grey eyes were still open, Cedric staring blankly up at the sky. An evil cackle erupted from behind me, and I was too scared to turn around, even as it got loud enough to make my head hurt._

~o0o~

I was sprung from my nightmare by my cousin dragging me out of bed by my hair. The pain was sharp, but not too strong. I'd had worse. He kicked me while I was on the floor, ordering me downstairs where my uncle was waiting for his breakfast, 15 minutes later than it was meant to be. I struggled up while he leered over me, and questioned if he was there to escort me down or something. He shook his head before he pulled me up and made me face him. I could tell what he was about to do, so when his face went towards mine I turned away. He tried to force my face towards him, kissing the side of my jaw. I shoved him away, the manual labour from gardening and cleaning giving me the muscle to actually move him, even if only a little.

"Don't even try it, I haven't let you do that since I knew I was a wizard, and I'm not gonna let you start again now that your girlfriend split up with you." I glared, "I'm strong enough to stop you, and I can handle you hitting me like a four-year-old throwing a tantrum, it's what kept you from trying to do more than making me give you handjobs before the threat of me cursing you. And like I say every time you're sad enough to kiss me, I'm your fucking cousin, and you're fucking sick."

Dudley's face contorted with rage, and his hands clenched into fists. I knew that if Uncle Vernon hadn't started yelling me down, I'd definitely have a broken bone or two. As I left the room and went down the stairs, I reminded myself for the millionth time to learn to do a proper Episkey for when he does hit me. Aunt Petunia was in the kitchen starting her husband's breakfast, and I relieved her of breakfast duty. My uncle assured me that I was getting a punishment later when they got back from the cinema to see a film with Dudley before he left for another school year. He also warned that if any of my tasks were left undone, I'd be punished for them as well. Determination ran through me. Hogwarts started in a week, which meant that the Weasley's were picking me up tonight, so if I was hurt too bad then they'd notice. And this was definitely not something I wanted to discuss with them. Though he punished me anyway, putting a cigarette out on the back of my hand when I set down his breakfast. I didn't give him the satisfaction of screaming.

When they left, my aunt gave me a list of about 35 chores. I knew I'd have around 2 hours to work all these jobs, so I started as soon as they locked the door. I tried to do the most tiring ones first, like mowing the back lawn and changing everyone's bedsheets. I completed 30 chores by the time they got back. I was just moving to the next task when the door unlocked, and they walked into the just-hoovered living-room. Uncle Vernon checked my list, and an evil smirk spread across his face. I walked towards the stairs, very well-acquainted with what was happening next. Dudley stopped me on the stairs, offering an alternative to my uncle's belt, by waiting in his room. The hairs on my neck stood up, and I just told him to get over himself before running away up the stairs.

I waited in my bedroom, laid face down on my bed with my shirt off. He made me wait like he usually did. This happened weekly when I came back for summer, they loved to instil the fact that I was a freak into my head, but that was in place long ago, to the point I don't think it'll ever go away. I was thinking this over when the door opened behind me. I heard his footsteps come closer. The clinking of his belt being undone and removed rang in my ears.

"I'm giving you 1 for every minute you overslept this morning, as well as two for every chore you've missed." He chuckled, "so that'll be…25 hits."

I tensed. That was the most he'd given me all summer, on the day I was leaving too. I thought about begging him not to, maybe to wait until I came back next summer and doubling the dose, but I knew he'd never agree, he was going to get me next summer anyway. My thoughts turned to something random, like which Weasley was coming to pick me up. Then it hit me. I tried to embrace the pain, taking it as it comes and almost enjoying it. The only way I can think to explain it is that the pain has been forced on me for years, so after a while, I didn't mind it as much like it was waxing. But then I developed a masochistic attitude to punishment, I guess it's because I've begun to accept that I deserve it. After the last hit, my back felt red raw, like the skin was peeling from it. I could only imagine how it looked. I'd have to wear a shirt that covered everything before whoever came to pick me up got here.

He left me alone for the day, just gave me things to do. Dudley kept on poking it, or slapping it, or nudging it. I understood why, but I didn't deserve it. Most punishments maybe, but not Dudley's right now. Just cos I would let him use me as a sexhole. I controlled the spasms of pain, which got easier the more he did it. The surprise ones were the hardest to cover up. But I made it through the day before I had to start packing my trunk and gathering the other things I needed. I considered going to sleep, but laying on my back was not an option at all. So, I just sat on my bed waiting for someone to come and get me.

 _Snap!_ I looked up and saw Fred grinning at me from next to my trunk, "ready to go Harry?"

I got up and reached out to grab him, giving him a huge hug. I hadn't seen him since he'd flown out of Hogwarts with George the year before. And I'd missed them and their humour. I felt a strong pressure on my back, and I whimpered in pain. George popped round me, face confused and concerned. I recovered quickly, but not quickly enough, as they both noticed a change. I really needed to try and distracted them, so I asked which ones were grabbing what, because I wanted to take Hedwig. They both nodded, grabbing something each before they grabbed hold of me. I felt the familiar pull of apparition as they took me away from the Dursley's and towards one of the places I like to call home.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

The hallway was different. It was very dark and long. I recognised it after a while, partly by the covered painting of Sirius' mother. I leapt out of the twins' arms as Sirius walked out of the drawing room, and grabbed onto him. He hugged me back just as fiercely, pressing down my back as I whimpered quietly. Uncle Vernon really overdid it this afternoon. Sirius peered at me, but relaxed when he saw me smiling. Hopefully, that would be enough to keep my reaction unsuspicious.

"Harry made the same noise when I hugged him," George frowned, everyone else from the drawing room coming out to the hallway to greet me. "I think he's hurt his back."

Molly rushed over to me like the mother hen she was, wand in hand to check me over. She expressed her concern over my back, as nothing was coming up internally, and asked me to remove my T-shirt so she could get a better look at the outside. I shook my head, eyes fearfully flickering to the crowd that had assembled. I could see the rest of the Weasleys, Hermione between Ginny and Ron, as well as Snape. Shockingly, Dumbledore was there as well. Molly shooed everyone back in the drawing room, but Ron and Hermione came straight to my side. Dumbledore suggested they stay with me, as well as Sirius for moral support and himself for magical support if I was comfortable. I knew I was stuck. If I said no to such a reasonable suggestion, then they'd know something was really wrong, but if I let her see my back, then they're all going to know about it. Thanks to my uncle's over-dramatic, asshole brain, I'm going to have to deal with the questions and the pity. Christ, I hate him.

I nodded, refusing to look any of them in the eye as Ginny was forcefully made to leave by her brothers, and my audience was stood before me. I turned my back to them, steadily lifting the back of my T-shirt so they could see the carnage. Their collective gasp shook my soul. I fucking hate my uncle.

"I'll kill them," Sirius growled. "I will fucking kill them for this!"

Molly's voice rang tense, but responsible, "Sirius, don't do something you'll regret. You've just got cleared."

I didn't understand. I dropped the hem and turned back around. Hermione grabbed onto me, Ron too, and I felt her tears on my neck. I hugged them back, and Sirius started shaking with barely contained rage. Dumbledore rasped about getting me to a room where I could get caught up on the events of the summer, while they continued their chat with the order. I nodded and proceeded up the stairs with my friends and my luggage, taking them to the same room I was in last year.

I sat on my bed awkwardly while they looked at me with new eyes. Hermione started talking about summer events, insisting to Ron that she went in chronological order, so he couldn't shoot his mouth off yet. I chuckled slightly, enjoying their bitching. She told me about a holiday she'd had with her parents, as well as some other mediocre things she'd done in the holidays. It sounded rather dull, but I hung on every word. It beat talking about my problems, so I was grateful for the subject change.

"Then comes the big news…" Hermione started.

"Voldemort is in Azkaban. Kept sedated in a special magic-coma, without magic so he's as powerful as a little muggle girl." Ron chuckled as I gasped, "okay I'll explain. Well, Snape had the idea to make the special cell with Dumbledore's wand, because it's the Elder Wand, like the most powerful wand in existence, and knock Voldemort down with this poison inspired by some muggle fairytale about apples.

"Fred and George listened to him explain the full plot, but basically he got Malfoy to trick him into it. Weird pervert wanted Malfoy in bed, so the prick pretended to go there and then drugged him. The blonde asshole actually helped us, Dumbledore confirmed it."

Hermione shook her head slowly. "He helped, so maybe don't talk about him like that. I saw him in Diagon Alley and he wasn't that bad. He insulted me sure but didn't call me a mudblood or anything, just made fun of my hair a bit, and I'm taking that as a sign that he's grown as a person."

Ron shook his head in disbelief. This was clearly something she'd had to repeat to him, but it must have happened a lot because Ron didn't protest or continue to insult Malfoy. He just smiled a little. A noise came from behind the door, like someone running up the stairs, and soon the door was swinging open. A bright and cheery Sirius was standing in the doorway with a huge grin on his face. He barrelled in and pulled me into his arms.

"You don't have to back to those pitiful muggles. You can stay here with me, live with me. If you want to? I know this place is still a bit uninhabitable, but I'd love to have you here."

I almost started to cry. I actually did cry, I was so happy. I frantically nodded, so excited that I would never have to see their faces ever again. He started jumping like an excited five-year-old, and he made me laugh. It was so good. Life was getting set on a track I didn't think I'd ever be on, with Voldemort out of the picture and the Dursleys out of my life, I could start to be happy. I'd need to thank Malfoy for this, giving me some freedom for choice in a life where it previously didn't exist, maybe I could even try to repair whatever problems there was to be his friend. Although, realistically, that was never gonna happen.

My godfather released me and warned us all that dinner was nearly ready, and Molly didn't want to wait for them. Ron was out the door before Sirius, and Hermione followed out giggling. I wanted to quickly change out of my T-shirt, as nerves had made me sweat like crazy. So they left me in peace to do so. Just as my T-shirt was off and I was digging around for another one, Ginny walked into the room. She gaped at my back and I let her, I let her see all my problems, and just the tip of my troubled mental-iceberg.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She whispered, but I shook my head. "I could distract you."

She reached for the top button of her cream blouse, seductively undoing it before, slowly moving on to the next one. I shook my head at her again, and she stopped in confusion. This was going to be tough. I invited her to sit beside me, and she did so quickly. Clearly, she was baffled and thought I wanted her obedience or some other kinky shit. Her hands felt warm in mine as I shuffled to face her, and she copied my action meekly.

"I'm sorry Ginny, a lot has happened to me, stuff you won't understand." I smiled sadly, stroking my thumb across her knuckles. "I know how you feel about me, and I wish I could feel the same way, and be happy with you. But I don't. Don't think this is any reflection on you, it's purely me. You're a beautiful, intelligent and brave girl Ginny, and there's someone out there perfect for a girl like you, but it's not girls that I'm into. I'm so sorry."

I couldn't look her in the eyes, I was ashamed to hurt her like I could tell I had. Her hands had gone limp in my grasp. When she pulled one away, I thought she meant to slap me, and flinched when she caressed my cheek. Gently she moved my head to face her, and she just smiled at me. It made me feel warm, knowing she was accepting me. We hugged for a moment before she scurried off for dinner. I knew I'd need to tell Ron and Hermione before they tried to push us together like they used to. Being put in that situation would only hurt Ginny more, and I didn't want that for her. I hoped my friends would be as understanding, as I rushed to pull a clean top on and prepare my speech on my way down the stairs.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

Sirius hugged me just beside the train. We stood on platform 9 3/4, embraced for everyone to see. Apparently, they'd found Peter Pettigrew when they captured the unconscious Voldemort, so they knew he wasn't killed by Sirius 16 years ago. They knew Sirius was innocent. So, it was okay that we could act like family in public. It all made life so much happier. It was only at night when the problems started, and I was consumed by my nightmares. The nightmares messed with my minds, and they made me feel weak, so I punished myself. It was wrong and unhealthy, I already knew this. But it made me feel better. As my blood oozed from my arm, it seemed to slow my heart and calm me down. The masochist in me enjoyed it, so my nightmares were less of a problem than they used to be.

"Now, I want a letter every other week to let me know how you're doing," Sirius smiled.

I grinned and agreed to anything he wanted. He shooed me onto the train, and I paced off to dump my trunk and find the compartment with Hermione and Ron in it. I was rushing between compartments when I slammed into someone's chest. I almost fell backwards, but steadying hands held onto my arms and kept me up. I looked up into smiling grey eyes, and the hands were removed from my biceps.

"Can you hold yourself up now?"

I nodded, shoving Malfoy away. He carried on smiling, looking like he was going to say something, but we were interrupted. A giggling group of girls shuffled past us, some getting terribly close to me, and shockingly close to him. He tensed as a manicured hand brushed against his ass, and the girls almost swooned as they walked away. Malfoy just shook his head, asking how I ever put up with that. I was still confused by why they were fondling him anyway. He shuffled past me.

"Well, good talk Harry. Maybe do it again sometime."

I stood there in shock. Was he being civil? No, he was being friendly. It was really strange and completely unusual, but I did kind of like it. Maybe that friendship wasn't as far away as I thought. I carried on down the passage until I saw Hermione's head sticking out the doorway. She beckoned me in, and she and Ron were giggling about something. She explained how she'd heard Cho Chang talking about asking Malfoy out, except she used his first name. Hermione called him Draco. We were moving forward with him apparently.

"I think him and Cho would look great together," Ron grinned. "Adorable pureblood babies."

I felt oddly weird. At first, I thought it was ridiculous that I was jealous of Malfoy being with Cho after I couldn't, but I was gay after all. But when I thought it over, I realised that it might actually be the other way around. Then I laughed to myself. I was being stupid, I'd never look at Malfoy that way. Even if he did want me then I still don't deserve that kind of happiness.

"So, we've got hours left on this train ride, let's play some games." Hermione grinned.

~o0o~

We trod out of the carriages and up the stairs to Hogwarts. Cho was googling Malfoy like he was water in her oasis, and I don't understand why it bothered me. I noticed him look up at her and gesture her to the side, far enough away for no one to hear them. Hermione and Ron seemed interested as well, and the three of us walked slowly so we could watch them talking, well watch the blonde talking. And whatever he said, she wasn't happy about it.

"Guess we won't get adorable little purebloods," Ron frowned.

Hermione shrugged, but she clearly looked put out too. It just made me think about why he'd rejected her. I shuffled into the Great Hall, sliding into a place with my friends and waiting to hear from Dumbledore. When he stood and raised his hands for silence, I finally noticed the blackened crusty fingers. Whatever dark magic it was had raked up half his lower arm. I felt guilty I didn't notice it last week.

He didn't speak for very long, just he welcomed Professor Lupin back to the DADA position, and the Sorting Ceremony didn't drag either. The food appeared before my eyes and I was famished. I went for dinner first, because Hermione was staring me down. I had to eat a plate of dinner before I could destroy the treacle tarts. I piled it up, so she couldn't moan and seen as I knew where the kitchen was, I could always pinch some tart later. I saw Lavender giggling with Parvati, and looking my way. It made Hermione roll her eyes.

"What are you laughing at then?"

Parvati blushed beetroot and couldn't stop stuttering enough to answer, so Lavender stepped up. "It's just we heard Harry rejected Ginny because he's a gay (which made Ginny go an angry red, and me too for that matter), but we also heard Draco Malfoy's conversation with Cho, and he rejected her because he's a gay too. So, we were just thinking of you two together, now that he's one of the good guys. As long as he doesn't act like a dick."

As they both giggled, my face turned as red as Ginny's hair, actually you couldn't tell where her hairline was because she was in the same state of embarrassment. The fact that I saw their opinions spread across the Hufflepuffs and even the Ravenclaws didn't make it any better. I watched in horror as Millicent Bulstrode leaned in to whisper something to Pansy, who all but pissed herself, before turning to carry my shame to my rival. I had to blink to be sure he was reacting the way I saw. I expected him to splutter and be infuriated before starting to blame me even though I said nothing. But his cheeks went a little pink and looked a tad bashful. He replied, and whatever he said made her giggle and nudge him. I was so confused.

"Did you just see Malfoy react the same way I did?"

My friends all nodded, and Hermione raised a brow. "I told you, I think he's grown as a person, which is a good thing."

I looked back over, and he met my gaze. He smiled slightly and turned away to continue his conversation with Pansy. All the Hufflepuff girls start chatting and panting. Susan Bones looked like she was about to faint. Ron chuckled, verbally warning me that they were probably going to lock me in a broom closet with him until we came out a couple. The idea plagued my thoughts. I supposed it wouldn't be too bad, as long as he reigned in his snarky comments and arrogant attitude. He was very good-looking, no doubt looked just as good naked…probably best to end that thought train. But I cut myself to deal with my mental pain, self-abhorrence and my nightmares, which meant almost every night. I couldn't be in a relationship with him until I could be perfect at keeping my problems a secret or just get rid of them, cos I didn't want a fuck friend, I wanted a boyfriend, and nobody was strong enough to bare my burden with me.

"You aren't really considering it, right mate?" Ron frowned, "I mean he's growing and shit, but last time he saw me he was as bad as always, so I doubt he'll have changed towards you."

I told them about bumping into him on the train, and Hermione sort of giggled strangely. She asked if I'd be more comfortable if she sat with the Hufflepuff girls because she enjoyed the thought of Harry with this new, reasonably friendlier Draco. It wasn't going to happen. From experience, I knew Draco was a nosy gossip, so my arms wouldn't stay secret for long, from him or the rest of the Slytherins. Especially when you count the fact that if he was mine, we'd always be naked, so he'd definitely notice. Not that he'd want to be with me, I mean I'm not as good-looking as he is, I'm not smart, my bravery borders stupidity…and I could go on for a while. I suddenly didn't feel hungry anymore. I got the password from Hermione and made up an excuse for being tired. I wasn't, but I'd rather be alone. So, I left and went straight to bed, and surprisingly right to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

It was a tough night for me. I woke in a fright at 2 o'clock in the morning and used my razor blade to calm myself down, but I was too awake to go back to sleep. I got back into my school robes and wandered into the common room. There was some parchment and ink on the coffee table, and I wrote a letter to Sirius. I considered taking it to the Owlery, but I knew Ron and Hermione would wonder where I was…unless I got back before they woke up. I checked the time and realised I could get there and back in time for them to get up. And it would save me doing it later.

I rushed out of the Common Room and steadily jogged to the Owlery. It was only the beginning of the year, so the smell wasn't overpowering, but you could tell there were loads of owls in there. You could hear them from the bottom of the staircase. I pushed the door open haphazardly and accidentally hit whoever was on the other side of it. They fell to the floor and grumbled in pain. I was terribly sorry and babbled to tell them as I held my hand out to them.

Grey eyes, silver from tears, stared up at me as blonde hair was flicked from his face. Draco wiped his eyes and got up on his feet without my help, refusing to look at me. I was just opening my mouth to offer some help or advice when his expression changed. He turned to me threated that if I spoke a word about what I saw to my friends, then he'd rat me out to Dumbledore about what he saw on my wrist when I offered him my hand and my sleeve rode up. He pushed past me as I gaped at his audacity, and left me in the owlery alone. I automatically found Hedwig and gave her a treat I had stowed in my pocket. She nipped at my fingers playfully, and took the letter from me, fluffing her wings as she prepared to fly.

~o0o~

I wanted to speak to Hermione at breakfast, or at any moment after I saw her waiting in the common room. She'd listen and give good advice, without judging Draco or telling anyone, but I'm sure he was serious. And I didn't want to risk Dumbledore sticking his nose in, that will just make everything worse. Much worse. So, I shamefully kept my mouth shut.

I kept my mouth shut at breakfast, and when Professor McGonagall checked our NEWT lessons, adding Potions to my list so I can be an Auror. I sat silently through Transfiguration and Charms, but when I walked into Potions and saw Draco standing with Blaise Zabini, I started to shake. He said he wouldn't tell Dumbledore, but said nothing about telling others. I stood with Ron and Hermione and pretended to listen to whatever they were talking about, but I was trapped in my own mind. I didn't even register it when Professor Slughorn called to me, Hermione had to nudge me.

"Harry my boy, I want you to work with Mr Malfoy," he smiled. "Professor Snape said you two would work best together, so the first workbench please."

I could have almost guessed Snape would do something like that, but I assumed we'd be doing things for ourselves. Draco explained the budget cuts to most subjects after critiquing me for not listening again. I cringed as I imagined sitting here all year, but surely, they'd sort out the budgets soon. This wouldn't be for long. Soon enough we'll be back to the civility we had on the train, friendly but not around each other long enough to push it.

My attention was brought back into focus by a blunt force hitting the back of my head, and the same book being offered to me. "I'm glad you're finally paying attention, now you can help me brew Draught of Living Death without blowing it up."

I rubbed the back of my head as I took the book from him, our fingers grazing, and flicked through the book until I got to the right page. Whereas I expected his skin to be warm and clammy like mine in the warm classroom, it was actually quite cold and smooth. Like marble, but softer. I retrieved our ingredients while Malfoy prepared the cauldron, sharing a look of disdain with Ron, who was sat beside Gregory Goyle. That wasn't going to be pleasant. When I got back, Malfoy asked me to start prepping the ingredients, warning that he was going to need to fiddle with the method occasionally.

"But you don't need to worry, I know what I'm doing. I've brewed this before." The blonde smiled before it turned sad. "I'm sorry about getting defensive this morning, I just felt embarrassed. It was rude to threaten you when you didn't do anything."

I couldn't control my facial expression. My mouth wouldn't close, and my eyes couldn't return to their normal size. His apology had fully pulled the carpet from under me, and a response just wasn't coming to me at that time. I think my silence bothered him, as he peeked over at me and grinned at my reaction. I heard the gentle laughter that he couldn't keep in, and it was infectious. I never noticed how adorable his laugh was, probably because I'd never truly heard it. He only ever sniggered or laughed harshly when he was picking on someone, his natural laugh was quite the opposite, it was satisfyingly warm.

"I don't want to sound like a dick right now, seen as we're kind of bonding, but-"

"It's okay, but can we not talk about it in a crowded classroom," Draco suggested. "I don't know about your friends, but I know Blaise is eavesdropping whenever he can, so we should talk later."

I agreed, and we set up to meet in a shared free lesson we had after lunch in the library, conveniently a time when Blaise had Divination. We worked pretty well together, except for the times I tried to add the wrong ingredients and he'd slap my hand away, whilst reading the next instruction, prepping the next ingredient and stirring the cauldron. He really was the best in potions. Quick and efficient, we even finished first, the perfect brew according to Professor Slughorn. That was good to know and made a couple of girls' swoon over us. The blonde tensed as they did. He clearly liked the attention as much as I did. Once we'd cleared up, Slughorn let us leave for a head start to our next lessons, which made Ron pout over his potion. I didn't say anything to Malfoy on our way past the Great Hall, and he said nothing to me, but the silence was quite comfortable. We didn't expect anything from each other. We politely nodded to each other as we faced towards different hallways, and I can't say the same for him, but my mind was firmly on our upcoming chat in the library.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

He left the Great Hall first, so I knew I'd have to find him when I got to the library. I was going to tell Hermione, but she'd get all giddy over it and Lavender would overhear. Then everyone would know, and we'd get no privacy to talk about anything. I was itching with nerves, because there's no way he wouldn't ask about the scars and cuts on my arms, and I never wanted to tell anyone. But there were questions I wanted to ask him to, so maybe my secrets were like bargaining chips I could use to get my hands on his. Hermione wished me luck as I stood and forced my legs onwards to the library, where I knew I'd kept him waiting.

I'd expected the library to be packed, and to find Draco on a small table in a discreet corner behind a bookshelf. But the library was nearly bare. There were a few sixth and seventh years squatting on one side of the room, and Draco sat on the other side, under a window. His head was faced down, resting on his hand as he read whatever book was on the table, the sun making his blonde hair glitter gold. I needed to shake the thoughts from my head so my legs could keep moving, as the sight of him struck me still. As I approach the table, he looked up and smiled at me. His eyes pure silver in the sunlight. I tried not to notice, but when he was being friendly instead of snarky, he looked gorgeous.

"So, are you going first, or do you want me to?"

I cocked my head to the side at his sudden question, "first for what?"

"Well, you probably want to know all you can concerning the…You-Know-Who thing, and I want to ask about those cuts. So, who's asking the first question?"

Me. "How did you do it? How did you knock him out? Cos I've heard some strange rumours."

"Well, Severus had the idea for a potion strong enough to put him in this kind of coma, one that's really hard to wake up from, but he didn't know how he could spike his food or drink. Seen as he's as paranoid as Alastor Moody." He explained, "but then he heard an argument between my mother and aunt Bella, over how You-Know-Who had... taken a liking to me, as he liked my dad. He wanted my parents to offer me the Mark, so if I took it, he'd take me, replace my dad with a younger model."

"Even the thought of that makes my insides twist," I grimaced. But Draco just chuckled.

"Sev asked me to help him, find some way to get the potion to Him. So, I waited until He was alone, and told him what aunt Bella had said to mother. He looked furious until I said I'd accept the Mark, accept him. I poured two glasses of Firewhiskey but knew he was watching me, so I couldn't add the potion. To skip to the end, I told him it was something for male potency and he drank it down pretty quickly. He passed out on me, and I need my mother's help to get him off."

The thought of doing that alone was enough to nearly make me bring my lunch back up, I could only imagine what the memory of living through it was doing to him. Voldemort wasn't the nicest looking monster, and having his lipless mouth on you…it made me want to vomit. The blonde caught my attention again, proclaiming his turn and asking what made me want to that to myself. The wording of the question caught me off guard a little, and I really didn't want to answer. Maybe pawn it off as an accident that I hadn't 'done to myself'. But he'd answered my question, I had to answer his. The bloody Slytherin had used my plan against me.

"When I wake up from nightmares I panic, my heartbeat goes crazy, and I feel weak for letting it happen. I don't know, I don't get it myself, but it's like a punishment." I flushed, knowing he'd want more details than I was giving him. As much as he'd given me. "And…I enjoy the pain now. Some nights I do it even if I don't have nightmares, I pin anything on my own weakness. If I had to guess, I'd say it stems from punishments throughout my childhood, corporal punishments. They instilled what I am into my head, and it's not going anywhere, so now the pain just sparks something and I need that punishment. I'm a masochist."

I couldn't look him in the eyes. I was burdening him with my crap, issues I wanted to keep to myself, but once I started it was tough to stop. I didn't want him to pity me. A chilled hand tipped my chin up, but I didn't want to look at him. I kept my eyes looking down. Gasps came from the side of us, and I tensed. What did they think was going on? Draco let go of my chin and leaned down into my eye line, an understanding smile plastered on his face. He reached over the table for my hand as he straightened up, stroking my knuckles as he spoke comforting words about not deserving to be punished for being gay, and that I should talk instead of self-harm.

A voice in my head chuckled. I wasn't punished for being gay, although if they found out then I'd definitely be in much more pain, much more often. But what I said was different, and probably insulting. "Why are you doing this?"

He looked confused, and his thumb paused its caress over my hand. He let go looked me dead in the eye, asking if that was the question I wanted to ask. I said nothing. So, he answered.

"Contrary to what you think you know, you don't know anything about me, Harry," he frowned. "Yeah, I used to act like a spoilt prick and bully you and your friends, but I had my reasons for that, as well as being a spoilt little daddy's boy. But now my father has no power over me anymore, I don't need to walk around hating you. I'm a full-blown mummy's boy now. I'm trying to be your friend, so this is a judgement-free, supportive conversation that'll stay between us. So, tell me about your family, the homophobes who raised you."

That time I did chuckle. "They aren't homophobes, well they are, but not for why you think. They didn't punish me for being gay, they punished me for being magic. Or 'abnormal' as they see it."

"Huh?"

"They pride themselves on being ordinary, my uncle sells drills or something and my aunt is a housewife and my cousin's a secret pervert who used to force me to kiss him in private, but I was the freak who reminded them there was another world out there, so they treated me like a freak. I actually didn't know my name until primary school because they never used it, I was 'Freak' or 'Boy' to them. For the first 11 years of my life, my bedroom was a little cupboard under the stairs, with locks on the outside so I couldn't sneak out to the kitchen if they punished me by starving me for a few days. That why I was so scrawny and short for the first couple of years here. They beat me, and neglected me, and psychologically damaged me. They're pretty shitty people, but I'll never have to see them again now that Dumbledore's actually seen what they've been doing to me. I'm living with Sirius now."

I didn't see it coming. Not then, never before, and barely now, but I felt his arms around my shoulders pulling me to rest against him. I was so busy telling my story, I'd neglected to notice him shuffle closer, and I'd never have expected him to react how he had. I tensed at the stunned reactions of those around us, which made him let go and move back. But then I missed his body heat...

"Sorry, guess I'm a hugger," he blushed. "I just don't know how to comfort someone, so I tried to think of what Granger would do... oh how the mighty have fallen right?"

His reaction stunned me, but our time together was drawing to a close, and there was still the most important question yet to ask. So, I asked why. Why had he turned on his family and Voldemort? Why was he now being exceptionally nice to me and the others? Why he'd changed?

"I've not changed much, just adapted my attitude to Muggle-borns, not really muggles though" He grimaced. "The point is I wanted a change, I was becoming a terrible person and I only realised when I was being offered a role as a death eater. And I figured if anyone could make me less of a beast I guessed it would be you and your friends. Besides, I've always wanted to be your friend, you just didn't want to be mine."

"You always picked on me and the friends I did have, nearly always. That's why I'm not entirely sure any of this is genuine." But I want it to be.

"Well, I'm genuine. To be honest, I picked on you because I couldn't have you. As bitter and pitiful as that sounds. I'm trying my hardest to be extra nice, so you'll want to be my friend, I'd ask for more, but I'd be pushing my luck."

I knew he meant it as a joke, but it was sudden, and something I actually wanted to hear. The redness in my cheeks showed him what I was thinking, and I felt the urge to run. But even then, I couldn't escape the embarrassment. I hated being such an open-book. His cool fingers curled under my chin and lifted my head to meet his eyes, which sparkled in the sun. His voice was low and husky when he asked if I wanted him to push his luck, which only made my blushing intensify. I did want that, and I knew he was so attractive, but I'd actually only ever kissed my cousin, and that was forceful and not something I bothered trying to be good at, so what if I was no good at it now.

He released my chin and apologised. I noticed he seemed more shut off. Oh God, he thought I was rejecting him. If I don't fix this, it could ruin the bridges we built, and stop me building more of the ones I wanted. And now I didn't have to hide my cutting and he sort of understood, there could be something between us. I didn't let myself think too much, so I just shuffled to him and kissed his cheek. He smelt so sweet.

There was a thud from our surroundings, and we looked in unison to see Susan Bones had fainted on the floor, her friends staring at us instead of helping. I started giggling, and soon we were both laughing. I enjoyed his laugh, and he seemed to enjoy mine. Hermione would probably faint if she saw us too.

Draco grinned "I want you to promise me something."

"What?"

His face straightened seriously, which sobered the mood drastically, "if you think you're going to hurt yourself, don't. If you don't want to tell anyone, then just come to find me instead. I want to help you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, hope you're enjoying it, I'll try to update as soon as possible. Please drop a review to let me know if you like it and if you have any suggestions for character development.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

The light-hearted mood followed me through the day, but so did his words.  _I want to help you_. How did he want to help me? Was there anything he could do to help me? I guess I'd never tried talking to someone, I'd never wanted to burden them, so maybe he could help me. But I don't want to scare him off or anything, not now I've started thinking of him in  _that_ way. If he ran off, I wouldn't leave him alone and get in trouble with Professor McGonagall. Again. I didn't want to spend my sixth year stalking him.

My last lesson was Defence Against the Dark Arts, one I shared with Draco. It would be another chance to see him again, and it brightened my grin. Just thinking about him made me happier now, cos he gave me the hope for a happier future than I ever thought I deserved. Seeing him sat on a desk talking to Blaise, looking relaxed and cool, I blushed as I thought about how desperately I wanted him. I sat between Hermione and Ron but couldn't prevent myself from peaking up at him. He glanced my way, and we were stuck in the moment for a while before Snape stood in the way. I propped my elbow on the table and rested my head in my hand. Being so happy was making me feel drowsy.

~o0o~

 _I don't know why, but I looked around to find myself in an empty classroom. Well almost empty. Because Draco was splayed out over the teacher's desk, stark naked and touching himself. I watched him writhing over the wood, leaving nothing to my imagination, moaning in pleasure. My eyes followed his fingers as they trailed over his flawless ivory skin, and I ached to touch him. It was almost too much to_ bear _when I saw his fingers slide between his asscheeks and inside of himself._

_"Oh please," He begged, looking directly at me. "Please, I want you."_

_I shot out of my seat and rushed to him, filled with a lustful need like never before. I groaned as our lips touched, I'd never felt so horny. He had to be half-vela or something. No ordinary wizard should be this desirable. I placed my hands on his body, wanting to hear him moan, and he swung his head back._

_"Mr Potter, I do hope I'm not boring you."_

~o0o~

"Ouch!"

Hermione kicked my ankle under the desk as Professor Snape took ten points from my house. He remarked that I should sleep more and lectured me on how much harder a NEWT course was to an OWL course, and I wasn't going to get teacher's pet this year. He went back to writing something on the chalkboard and Hermione gave me the once-over. She asked if I was having another nightmare because I was making 'distressed noises'. She offered me a calming draught under the desk, which I gratefully took before peaking up at the object of my fantasy. He was finishing off a scribbling down a note and starting to fold it. It was really bizarre. I tried to pay attention to Professor Snape until I felt something flapping against my leg. I looked down at the paper bird and cupped it. It fell limp in my hand, so I unwrapped it and read the note.

_Hey, are you okay? That looked like a nightmare of some kind, and I know how you handle those. Meet me in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom after class, we'll talk and see if that works. Just hang in there._

I smiled down at it, scrunching it into a ball when Ron tried to sneak a peek. Part of me wished he hadn't sent the note because a private meeting with him was all I could think about during the lesson, and I had to make an excuse to Hermione, so she'd drag Ron off with her. I think she guessed I was meeting him, seen as everyone had heard about what Susan witnessed in the library. My palms were clammy as I made my way to Myrtle's bathroom. He was there before me, but I don't quite know how. He smiled as soon as he saw me.

"Are you alright?" He said, stroking my arm and worrying his bottom lip. "The whole lesson I was worried about you, that dream seemed…intense."

I wanted the ground to swallow me up, I felt humiliated, but I didn't want him to worry. "Honestly, you didn't need to worry, I wasn't having a nightmare…despite the 'distressed noises' I apparently made"

My heated face must have tipped him off, and his face twisted as he tried not to laugh. A couple of giggles escaped as he asked what my dream was about, more specifically who. I thought about telling him, but then realised I'd die of embarrassment, so held my tongue. Draco's eyes narrowed, and he moved towards me like a predator, repeating the question slowly as he backed me into a corner. I still refused, even as his face was an inch from mine.

"Why not? We're building bridges right, you should trust me more." Draco smirked, "I'd do anything for the answer."

One of his knees pushed between my legs and his thigh ground into my groin. I whimpered, and his smile widened, feeling my area was still hard from my dream. It went away as quickly as it came, and he eyed me expectantly. I nodded, but no words came out when I tried talking. He chastely kissed my cheek, and the words slurred out.  _It was about you_.

He pulled back in surprise, but his smile stayed in place as he enquired to what he was doing in my dream to make me groan. I stammered a no, and the pressure was back on my junk, and his lips were on my neck. I made another pathetic whining noise, and his lips travelled lower, so I tilted my head so he could carry on. He was getting me so heated too easily. But once again he stopped to get me to answer, and I knew I'd need to describe my dream to get him to carry on, so I started talking with the brightest blush spread across my face.

"Well the classroom was empty, and you were on Snape's desk...naked," I started, Draco harshly sucking a mark on my neck, making me moan. "And you were touching yourself, and saying how you wanted me, so I kissed you...that feels so nice...and I touched you, but Snape's voice came out."

"Sounds like a nightmare to me."

I felt his grin against my neck and the warmth of his breath on my skin. How was it so easy for him to seduce me? It shouldn't be, not by a long shot. But each brush of pink lips made me shiver and want more. I wanted to feel more than his lips on my neck, I wanted them across the rest of my body. And I couldn't stand the light pressure on my crotch anymore, I needed more from him. He pressed a kiss to my ear as he asked if I'd ever tried anything with anyone. I felt shame creep through me and tensed. How do I explain how forced kisses came with forced handjobs?

He stopped when I tensed, something pleasant I'd actually never been lucky enough to experience. "You said earlier how you're cousin would force you to kiss him. He didn't force...anything else right?"

I could hear the anger coming through in his voice, though I'm sure he was trying to stay calm. He backed away and looked into my eyes, searching for pain or panic people expect from victims. But I'd had worse happen to me than touching my cousin's... _gagging at the thought_. I reached out to cup his face, and his cheek was warm and soft under my fingers...like I'm sure the rest of his skin would be. I explained that a few pathetic handjobs were nothing compared to five near-death experiences. And how that it had all stopped when I found out I was a wizard. I was young, and though I know it happened, as he liked to remind me, I had repressed the memories of actually doing it. I wasn't letting anything my asshole relatives did to me hinder my life, not now I was free of them, nor now I had someone to support me.

"This just doesn't feel right Harry," he worried, biting his lip, and killing the mood. "Just because you say it's fine now doesn't mean it will be when we're doing it. I just don't want to hurt you, I want to be the one to make you feel better when you're hurt. You know, your shoulder-to-cry-on and all that mushy shit the Hufflepuff girls are talking about. 'Rivals brought closer with love' or some crap like that. I don't just want to take advantage because you're inexperienced and probably looking for someone to help you change your views on what sex is after what's happened to you. You might be thinking I'm making a huge deal out of nothing, but I could have been in shoes like your's if Snape's potion hadn't have worked, so when you strip off that Gryffindor courage I can imagine the pain that's there. You don't need to hold on to that brave face with me or hide your pain, I want to see when you're vulnerable because then I can help you feel strong again. I told you in the library about pushing my luck, and I'm doing it now. I want to be someone special to you."

No one had ever said things like that to me, never spoken to me with their heart on their sleeve and bare all for me to see. Saying everything he just did made him vulnerable, he was a Slytherin giving me a power over him I could abuse if I wanted to hurt him. He was trusting me so completely at this moment. I was too speechless to reply with anything that would be half as meaningful, so I pressed my lips to his in our first actual kiss, obviously excluding those to our bodies. My first proper kiss. His lips were like heaven to feel against mine, warm and soft and welcoming. He responded by peeling me off the wall and against him, his arms wrapping around my waist. I crossed my wrists at the back of his neck, playing with his silky hair. I just knew it would feel that soft between my fingers. His tongue grazed the parting of my lips, and I eagerly opened them in hopes of spreading our kiss. He tasted so good, like something a little sweet and a little sour.  _Apples_.

The kiss made me light-headed, and I could have passed out as we parted, and he rested our foreheads together as he caught his breath. Good to know I intoxicated him too. His gentle chuckle tickled my face, as he checked if he was allowed to tell Pansy we were a thing and she was allowed to tell Bulstrode and the others to back off. I giggled, which at any other moment would have embarrassed me, but I didn't need to be embarrassed with Draco. He was the one person I was going to let see me vulnerable. Trust him as strongly as he trusted me.

"As much as I want to stay wrapped up in your arms, we should get to dinner before our friends start to worry about our absences."

I nodded reluctantly, moving away before I was stopped. His left hand was curled around my waist, his arm holding me to his side. He insisted that as I didn't deny that we were together now, he wanted to make a proper public display of affection, to warn the other potential boyfriends away. As if the bright red hickey on my neck didn't speak for itself. I imagined walking into the Great Hall with his arm around me and could picture the nauseated look I knew would be on Ron's face. So I let him lead me to dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to review, and let me know how good/bad you think it's going, cause I always seem to think it's worse than it is. I hope to update soon, but Sixth Form is a busy time, so please don't get butt hurt if this takes a while, I hope it won't either. XD


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

It started slow, only a few people noticed us walk in. But then the word spread, and it took less and 20 seconds  _(I shit you not)_  for the entire Great Hall to have paused their conversations and for every pair of eyes to be on us. Me pressed into Draco's side. I didn't think we'd draw so much attention. Dumbledore was sitting in his usual spot, his twinkling eyes confused by our hold, and I blushed a little. I tried to ignore Snape's glare and turned my head to look over to my friends. Hermione was holding Lavender's hand, who was holding Parvati's hand, all three looking like Susan Bones before she fainted. Ron was pale, looking at us in utter confusion, which made me disappointed. I was expecting that funny green colour, but I least I got sickly pale.

A long finger curled under my chin, turning my head to face him, exposing the huge hickey on the side of my neck. People paying enough attention to notice gasped, and Hermione started fanning herself and whispering to the other girls. He pressed his lips to mine, and I almost melted into them, except he pulled away too soon. I curved my hand to the back of his head, pulling his lips back to mine eagerly. His chuckle rippled through his chest, a sweet sound, and he pulled back with a smirk. He leant down to kiss the love bite on my neck before backing up heading over to his table, holding onto my hand until his arms weren't long enough and it slipped from his grip.  _Talk about playing it up_. I turned to my table and saw the green shade on Ron's face, his eyes flicking to the mark on my neck. It seems Draco knows just how to make me happy, something I'd never felt possible.

~o0o~

**(Draco Malfoy)**

I dropped down to sit beside Pansy, probably with the goofiest smile on my face, because she and Blaize were looking at me in confusion. I shrugged, insisting that if they were going to attempt to ask me any questions to do so before the judgemental comments, whilst I was still in a good mood. Blaize just shook his head, ensuring that my crush on Harry was my business, so he was gonna try not to say anything. That's why I was close to Blaize. He knows when not to push me. But Pansy wasn't quite the same.

"So, when did that start?" She questioned, "I didn't hear anything about you being together, your feelings requited, and that?"

I shook my head at her bluntness, "that was the second time we've kissed properly, so that's why you haven't heard anything. And I'd rather he didn't find out about how long I've wanted him. He knows I've always wanted to be his friend, but not that I've wanted to be more before now. I don't know how he'd react."

She nodded, and I could tell she was going to use this against me. She didn't ask anything else, promising to let me enjoy it today and she'd start picking on me tomorrow. I chuckled as I thanked her, and turned my attention to the eyes I'd felt on me since entering the room. Professor Snape was looking me over and met my eyes when I turned to him. There was something strange about the way he looked at me and seemed somewhat angry. At least that's how it looked, it was hard to see through the mask he constantly wore. He's been a spy for too long. I turned away from my godfather, only able to assume that he was less than pleased by my choice of companion. Not that it was any of his business. I wanted Harry, and for as long as he wanted me my godfather would need to put up with it. I wanted to enjoy getting to know Harry passed the Boy-Who-Lived reputation he had. To know the real Harry. The Harry I think I've loved for 2 years.

What really is love anyway, I mean how do you know when you feel it? Or if someone else feels the same? Whenever Harry's been around, I've always been intoxicated by his presence, noticed all these small things about him. At dinner, he'll eat as much treacle tart as he can fit in his stomach without exploding. He can't stand over a cauldron during Potions because the heat steams up his glasses. When he blushes you can see freckles dust his cheeks. When he's struggling or frustrated over something, he'll run his hand through his hair, something I soon realised I wanted to do. It's only ever been Harry. At first, I just thought my feelings towards him were just a way of finding out I was interested in guys rather than girls, which didn't seem to surprise anyone but me. But I'd looked at other boys, kissed other boys, even gone a little further, but it was always Harry in my fantasies. And no real experience compared to them. He made my heart pound at the sight of him and break with each harsh word directed at me, not that I'd ever share that pain with anyone. He made my palms sweat, and my focus waver, and my soul shine. There'd never really be anyone but Harry for me. So I need to be worthy of him and try not to pick on his mudbl...friend Granger.

"Are you gonna eat the food on your plate or stare into the distance dramatically like a love-struck Hufflepuff?"

I glared at Blaise, quizzing him on what happened to not saying anything about my feelings for a certain Gryffindor. He just shrugged with a smirk, making Pansy giggle beside me. Fucking assholes. The sound of someone hitting the floor grabbed my attention, and I followed the noise to the Gryffindor table.

~o0o~

"How could you do this to me?"

To begin with, I thought Ron meant throwing it in his face to make him queasy. I giggled with Hermione, the other two girls hanging over her shoulders, who all wanted to know everything about where I'd been and tell me how sweet he was as we came in. Lavender was begging me to tell her he was my boyfriend and squealed when I admitted he was. She did this really strange thing, she started jumping up and down in her seat, so slightly and quickly that it looked like she was shaking. I was just getting worried when Ron cleared his throat. I turned to the side to raise an eyebrow at him and he repeated his question, looking far less than pleased.

"What do you mean mate? What have I done to you?"

His eyes narrowed, chilling my blood. "After everything we've been through together, all the fighting for our lives and shit that you brought on us, how could you do this to 'Mione and me? I don't give a rats ass about you being gay, you know that Harry, but why would you turn to him? Of all people? Someone who hates us, and has done nothing but pick on us since he first set eyes on us? Are you forgetting all the shit he's said to me, and the shit about my family? What about all the times he's bullied Hermione and called her a Mudblood? Or the times he's made fun of you for being an orphan? How can you kiss him?"

I was stunned. Completely and utterly stunned, and Hermione didn't look like she understood the outburst either. She reminded Ron of how she thought he'd changed over the summer, improved as a person, but he didn't listen to her at all. His gaze was fixed on me. I didn't know what to say, I hadn't expected a reaction like this from him. We stared at each other for what must have been a while, and the girls had edged away to escape the tension.

"I don't know where that came from, but put it fucking back." I glared, "First off, I didn't make you fight with me, you chose to because you're a good friend, Hermione too. You might not like my relationship, but don't dump her in with you when we both know she's too giddy and girly over the idea to be mad. He only became our enemy when we were rude to him on the train in first year, which funnily enough was something you started by laughing at him. Your family and his hate each other, your dad is as rude to his dad as you are to him, and vice versa. And again, Hermione's not the problem right now, so bringing her into it doesn't help your point. And so what if he said some cruel things to me, cos I can bet I said things just as bad, we've been at each others' necks for years. Which might have just been sexual tension. I can kiss him because he's surprisingly tender, and so sweet to me now. If you'd have heard how he spoke to me before we came in here, you'd understand why I can look past how he treated me. Don't even try to make it about you, because this isn't your decision. So put your bad attitude away and shut up, or stick it up your ass and don't talk to me, because if you're really my friend, you'd stand by me and pick up the pieces if this goes sour, like Hermione is now."

He looked away, facing forward. I did the same, waiting and hoping for him to apologise or take back what he said because I didn't want to lose my best friend. When nothing was said, I guessed he wasn't talking to me, effectively ending our friendship.  _Fine by me_. I turned back to Hermione with a fake smile and her eyes were wide and apologetic, even though we both knew it wasn't her fault. I was trying to console her when a hand on my shoulder dragged me back, slamming my back onto the floor before a heavy weight settled over me. Ron's fist flew for my face, and I tried to deflect it with my arms, but it broke through and hit my jaw. The metallic taste of blood coated the tip of my tongue. I've either bit my lip or my tongue, but the pain's so general I can't tell where it's coming from. His fist flies down again and I'm socked on the other side of my face, barely catching his fist to prevent the third punch. It feels like I'm trying to wrestle him off for hours, though logically it's only seconds, then all of sudden Ron is flung off me by a spell. He was in a full-body bind. I looked around the room, and most of the teachers had their wands in their hands at their sides. The only wand pointed in my direction was in the hand of my boyfriend, and he was rushing towards me.

"Harry! Are you alright? What the hell was that?" He panicked, grabbing my arms and looking me over.  _He really is sweeter than he lets on_.

Madam Pomfrey was beside me immediately, insisting I went to the Hospital Wing with her in case she needed potions to help me heal. I slurred out my decline, blood trickling down my chin as I realised I'd bitten my tongue. Draco interjecting, threatening to carry me there over his shoulder if I was going to resist going. He was glaring at Ron, shaking slightly as he tried to keep the rest of his anger under his Slytherin cover, so I went to prevent him doing something he'd regret later. We made our way out of the Great Hall when Draco took my hand. He lifted my arm and I noticed the blood. Unable to stop him, he rolled up the sleeve of my robe and revealed that the cuts from the day before had reopened with the force of Ron's fist, and actually deepened to flow more. Madam Pomfrey fixed the open wounds quickly and efficiently but unfortunately noticed the older cuts and scars littering the part of my arm she could see. I tried to stop her from looking, but Draco refused to let go, turning my wrist to flash them in her direction. She seemed to recognise what they must be from years in a medical profession, and I could hear the steps of other teachers following out behind us. No doubt Dumbledore was one of them. The blood loss from moments before and the trauma of my first and best friend attacking me over a boy settled over my mind as my worry over everyone knowing took over.  _Everyone will know, I'll have to tell them_. I don't know what happened, but my legs turned shaky and weak, and my eyes drooped shut as I couldn't keep myself standing, fainting into something warm and soft.  _Draco_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review and let me know what you think ^^


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

_Why's everything really white?_  I blinked, trying to stop my vision being so blurred. The Infirmary, great. My right hand felt warmer than my left, which had me turning my head in confusion, regardless of my stiff neck's complaining. There was a halo of bright blonde hair resting on my hand, the warmth coming from Draco's soft, steady breaths. I wondered if he was asleep, flexing my fingers against the soft skin of his face, not that I had much control over where I was touching. But I really liked how smooth his skin was, I want to see how flawless the rest of it would be.

He jumped out of his skin, and I chuckled past the ache in my throat at his shocked expression. He smiled the brightest I'd ever seen, lighting up his whole face and leaned in to kiss me gently on the forehead. He called out to Sirius, which surprised me enough to try and sit up, hurting myself in the process. Draco helped me out gently, using my pillows to support my back. I was concerned to see him be so tender, he was never even like this with friends, never so sweet. Sirius came up beside him and grabbed me in a forceful hug. My body ached some more, and I had to guess that it was because I'd been out for long enough to make my muscles tense.  _How long was I unconscious?_

"I didn't want to leave without seeing you were okay," Sirius frowned into my neck. "Why didn't you tell anyone you were so unhappy or whatever reason you hurt yourself over?"

"I didn't want to burden anyone."

He shook his head, and I think he looked behind me to Draco, "I hope what I heard about your boyfriend being a selfish prick is true, you could do with learning to be more selfish."

I heard the barely unsuppressed laugh from my boyfriend, and my godfather's cheek moved into a smile. Well, at least it looked like they were getting along. I wondered if Draco had told them anything. Part of me would be tremendously pissed if he had, to betray my trust when he was supposed to keep it a secret. But if he'd told them, I wouldn't have to, and I'd hate to see their faces when I tried to explain what we both knew I didn't fully understand myself. It would be easier on me for them to hear it from him, even if it wasn't easier for them.  _Well, he said I needed to be more selfish_.

"Well, I need to head back home, Dumbledore said I could stay until you woke up, and help you out to your room if you needed me. But I think that with this young man, you'll be alright without me. I'm sure you'd prefer an explanation from him anyway."

Sirius left with a wink, embarrassing me like the perfect father figure. I made to move out of bed, but a firm hand settled on my shoulder, keeping me where I was. I looked over to see Draco biting his lip, avoiding my eyes, and worrying about something. I placed my hand over his, trying for a supportive smile. I told him whatever he was holding back wasn't worth the worry, and I'd try not to react badly. I wanted as much open honesty from him as I'd given him about this.

"I'm sorry, I had to tell them something." He started, still not looking at me. "I only told Madam Pomfrey, well and your Godfather after he started throwing a fit. I could only say what you'd told me, so Dumbledore wants to see you in the morning. Given how Ron isn't your biggest supporter anymore, he thought it best keep you in a different room for a week, or until Christmas seen as he has to go somewhere for a while and wants to know you'll be okay. Just for the record, I'm sorry for breaking your trust, especially after I've only just gained it, but not telling them so they can help you."

 _He's so cute_. I leaned over to kiss his hand and grinned when grey finally met green, reaching out to him. My fingers curled into his hair and we kissed. It seemed a crime to have lips so sweet and soft. I feared if we carried on kissing, I'd quickly become addicted, and take more than I could handle to stay sane. He pulled back and rested his forehead on mine, offering to carry me to my new temporary accommodation. I asked if he was going to stay with me, and he looked slightly uncomfortable. I looked away and everything started to feel a bit awkward. I felt really bad, I hadn't meant to push him to be closer to me. Unless he thought we were talking about... sex, which wasn't what I was thinking.

"Just in case you were thinking I meant... sex, I wasn't. You were feeling guilty to kiss me earlier, I'm not stupid enough to think you'd be okay with...  ** _that_**." I peaked up at him to see him looking at me in confusion. My cheeks heated. "I don't sleep well, I have nightmares and that leads me to cut myself. I guess I was just thinking that if you were there, it'd help. But if you still don't want to, or feel I'm guilt tripping you..."

He smiled shyly. Honestly, the most beautiful smile. How had I never noticed how beautiful that smile is? We'd known each other for years, it just seems foolish of me to be so unobservant. He accepted my offer to stay with me, and I think he was flattered that I was showing so much trust after just a day. It was probably because I hadn't told anyone before this, but the way he was talking to me after finding out about how fucked up my life was, he was still standing next to me, he hadn't run after a day. So he had to care a little, right? And it was nice to feel someone care for you, after believing for years that they never would.

He helped me up, and I ended up flush against him, his arms around my waist. He was so warm, and yet his hands were still colder. Was that strange? It certainly felt like a lovely contrast. He told me that my room was in the dungeons, so he'd be able to walk me there as often as possible. If I wanted him to. With everything he did, there'd be a sense of hesitation, like he was stepping on eggshells.

I guess he honestly did want to change. But why? Why all of a sudden this change, when he'd have an easier time staying the same? I knew that helping stop Voldemort could boost your status at school, and there'd be loads of boys wanting his attention. Loads of Slytherins that he would need to change for, or tread carefully around, so why was he here with me? It might just be my self-abhorrence talking, but I just don't get it. And I'm far too awkward to question it. I don't want to scare him away.

He gathered my satchel from the end of the bedframe and offered me his hand. I smirked at the deja vu it brought me, as he offered me the same hand I'd rejected in first year. The light caution around his eyes told me he was seeing the same thing. I smiled as brightly as I could and took his hand. I wanted things to be right this time. I hoped he did too.

He led the way, clearly knowing the way better than me, but I guess as a Slytherin he could navigate this maze better than others. Lucky me. It didn't take long and looked like it was very close to our Potions classroom. My daydream swam in my mind, and I had to admit we had a shot if Draco would want to. I decided not to push him for more than kisses...and maybe some heavy petting,  _I have needs_ , until he was ready to see me as ready. I just hoped that wouldn't be too long. Since I've let myself notice how sexy he is, it's always at the back of my mind, trying to crawl forward.

"Are you going to still be here when I wake tomorrow?" I found myself asking as we walked through the enchanted door.

There was a living space, with a couch and chairs facing a fireplace, and a dining table with 4 dining chairs. Through a little window I could see a kitchen, and wondered why Dumbledore would put me somewhere with so much space I wouldn't use. Everything was quite minimal in colour, mostly black and grey, only the couch and rug by the fire were coloured. Green, of course.

"Harry, I won't leave until you ask me to, whether that means I'm here for an hour or a month. I'm here for you."

It was warm to have that sort of assurance, even though I was aching to question it. I couldn't question him at every turn, I need to show some trust. Or something. The thought made me nervous. I didn't want to ask him to leave ever then. I smiled at him, and he relaxed at my silence. I asked if he wanted a shower or something, and he relented that I could go first. After a few hours unconscious and a fist fight with my best friend, I needed a good shower.

I dressed for bed after my relaxing shower and contemplated what the plan was. There was only one bedroom, with only one bed. It was a double bed, but that would insinuate I'd need to sleep beside Draco, and I'm not sure how I feel about him seeing me shirtless. It's the only way I can sleep comfortably. I could hear the blonde in the shower, and wonder what to do while I waited for him. What had he done while I was in the shower?

It was then I bothered to notice the difference in the living room. Between one of the chairs and the couch, was a trunk that had been shrunk to fit in the gap. So he'd gone to his dorm and still come back. That was a sweet reassurance that he wouldn't leave tonight at least.

"I hope you don't mind I left, just wanted to make sure I had clean clothes for tomorrow and something to sleep in, this room's a bit chilly."

I nodded, not turning around. I didn't want him to see just how much him staying with me tonight meant. And the disappointment that he wanted to sleep in here. I may have been nervous about sleeping with him, but I was excited-nervous. But I told myself I wouldn't push him, so I won't.

He wrapped his arms around me from behind and blushed at the contact of his wet front to my back. He kissed the back of my neck and I melted into him. I turned around, pressing our torsos together as I reached up to kiss his sweet lips. He pulled back, asking if I wanted to sit up with him for a while. I nodded, not trusting my voice to not come out breathy. I sat down on the couch, and suddenly realised he'd only been wearing a towel. I averted my eyes so he could slip into some clothes. Any clothes.

"I want to know more about you," he suddenly said. "I want to discover how Harry is different from our resident Golden Boy"

I tilted my head at him, forgetting what he was doing, but thankfully only seeing him snap the elastic of his bottoms to his waist. God, his skin truly was flawless. I should stop looking at his body and try to get to know him. He was right when he said I don't him at all.

"I could say the same to you. And doubt there is enough time for both tonight."  _Yeah, Harry, subtle deflection_.

"Then I'll provide a new plan. We'll retire for tonight, and then tomorrow we can get to know each other and maybe make out. How does that sound?"

I agreed readily and left him in our living room for the night after a brain-numbing kiss. I shouldn't let him get to me so easily, it'll only add to my struggle when he leaves. I placed a sturdy silencing charm over the bed, to prevent waking my cute blonde boyfriend from waking up if I get vocal during my night terrors. If they're bad enough to make me want to hurt, then I'll wake him. And I'll just do that every night, easier for both of us really. My last thoughts before I slipped into slumber, were of Draco's honey-like laugh, and his eyes silver in the sun. And the apple-taste of his velvet kisses.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

Things were going spectacularly. My days were spent with Hermione, sitting together before class and during lunch, sometimes followed by Brown and Pavarti. I spent my free time after dinners with Draco. To begin with, the attraction was really sexual and not much else, but now I was getting to know him. We'd talk during our evenings together, and I'd found out more about him than what I wanted to know before. I found out how he had the house to himself because his parents are in Paris for the foreseeable future, and that he was lonely, but his friends were trying to keep him cheered up. It was cute to know him emotionally, and I felt like I could understand him better. All his reactions come from a deeply emotional place but are twisted by his mind and his father's words. But he can just let his emotions out now, with me. And he'd found out more about my opinions and feelings over everything, getting to know each other openly. Our bond was deepening. Ron hadn't said a word to me, either because Dumbledore had expressly told him not to, or the icy glares from Hermione and Draco whenever he came my way.

A few weeks in, Dumbledore announced he was leaving on Ministry business, but privately warned me that he was cutting loose strings so we could be rid of Voldemort for good. He declined my offer for help but warned there was something important I needed to help with eventually, so I should take the opportunity to enjoy my first Voldemort free school year. I was grateful for that. He left Professor McGonagall as interim Headmistress, which was a relief for those who suspected he'd leave Snape in charge. The man hadn't stopped glaring at me since me and Draco went public, and Draco hadn't explained his behaviour. I didn't feel comfortable enough to ask, not that it really mattered. I could probably guess, and turns out I was right.

After one of our DADA lessons, Draco was asked to stay behind to discuss the essay he'd handed in, though there wasn't an essay set. I didn't want to leave them together, I wanted to know what Snape was saying, but there'd be no way he was going to let me, and I couldn't stand by the door because he'd probably be able to tell. As I stood by the wall waiting for everyone to leave and Snape to finish jabbing so I could interrogate Draco, Ron walked passed and dropped something at my feet. A set of extendable ears. I didn't thank him, just quickly picked them up and slipped one under the door when Snape slammed it.

"What are you thinking? Potter, of all people? You're a wealthy, attractive young man, you could have anyone, and you go and burden yourself with the damaged goods."

I tried not to wince, it's not like I didn't already know I was 'damaged goods', but it was painful to hear someone say that to influence someone I was starting to care for. He went on about suggesting my feelings weren't there, and that I was going for the money, or using him purely because he was pretty. I was a little miffed, as he went on and on, slandering me for being fake when I was nothing but, and Draco didn't say a word. And then he finished.

"Are you done? How dare you call him 'damaged goods', he's broken and bruised in places, he's fragile, but don't you speak like that lowers his worth. I'm not burdening myself with him, and I'm not going to knock him lower or leave him to shatter in the dust like a shitbag. You hate him, so you're throwing out all this shit that you don't even know about to sway me away, but I know more about him that you do. He's got money, he doesn't need mine, and just as good-looking as I am, maybe more, so he could do better than me too. I want to fix him, I want to help him. I've loved him year Sev, taking my loneliness out on him because then he gave me attention. He only ever said harsh words, but those words were mine, they were aimed to make my feel, even if those feelings were negative. If he wants my money, he can marry me for it, I'll take him. So while I'd like your acceptance as my godfather, I don't need it as much as I need him."

I was stunned. I hadn't suspected the depth of his feelings, and they seemed to heal my soul slightly. The kind of feel I get when he kisses me, or smiles just for me. But I was frightened. I didn't think I was quite at that point, I was falling but I hadn't fallen. And I knew I didn't deserve him, so how was I supposed to deal with this. Snape's opinion of me was right, not the stuff about being a money grabber and that, but that I was a burden.

I ran off back to my suite. I shrunk all his things and dumped it in a bag, which I hung on the door before I locked it. I needed to shut him off, then he can move on to someone he deserves. I know I won't be able to see him again for a while because he'll convince me I'm being silly and I know I'm not. I'm not good enough, I know that, and hopefully ending it like this will show him how I don't deserve him.

I heard him come back, banging on the door and calling out to me. But I ignored him, I stood by my decision. I just didn't anticipate him using magic to get through. I heard a rattle, a charm to unlock the door which thankfully failed. Except then the door was blown off the hinges by Bombarda. He came striding in, displeasure clear on his face when he saw me curled on the sofa, and picked up the door. He used a spell I didn't know to fix the door back into place and turned to me with a scowl. This was not going to be a fun conversation.


	10. Chapter 10

"I can see you're kicking me out, but do I get to know why?"

I looked away from him. I hoped for him to give up and just leave, but after what I'd heard it was beyond stupid. He didn't push, he stayed quiet and just let me sit there looking at the rug. The only thing he did was throw his arms up after 10 minutes and sat down in one of the chairs facing me. We were sat in awkward silence for half an hour before I couldn't take it and asked him to leave. He said he'd walk out peacefully and never bother me or talk to me again if that was what I wanted, but not before I gave him the honest reason. He warned me he could tell when I lied, so there was no point saying I didn't want him anymore or some other bullshit.

"Maybe it's simpler than that, and I'm not a dickhead here." My face twitched, as though holding my tongue. "Maybe I'm just accepting things you aren't, things you're too stubborn to consider because of how you feel about me. I'm not good enough, I don't deserve you, and you won't make the right choice about it so I will."

I dug into my courage and looked over at him, and he looked deep in thought. I didn't know what to feel. I was so glad he wasn't arguing the point, making this so much easier for me, but I also didn't want him to think of me the way I was describing. It was true, but after hearing him say he's loved me from afar for years, I didn't want that to change. Being loved was a bittersweet feeling. He stood up and picked up the little bag I'd left for him, and I tried to keep emotion from my face as he started walking. I couldn't help gaping as he dumped his things in my room and walked out to sit directly beside me. He faced me and took my limp hands in his own.

"Okay, keep your mouth shut because I'm going to rant. You don't get to make that decision for me, I'm my own person and have my own free-will, and I want to be with you as long as you want me. Not you don't want me to lower my standards or whatever, but because you look at me and feel nothing." He smiled, brushing a tear I didn't even notice from my cheek. "Fuck my godfather and his prejudice opinions. Some people don't think I'm good enough for you, Ron beat you down for it remember? But neither of us need a perfect partner, we need someone who makes us feel happy and safe, and wanted. That's how you make me feel when you aren't kicking me out, and I like to think I make you feel like that. So fuck other people, we'll support each other, and Hermione supports us, so don't give up. We have more of a chance than you're letting yourself believe."

"But I don't love you, I haven't been pining for years. How can you be okay with that?"

He shrugged, going on about time. He didn't love me when he first set eyes on me, he thought I was a scrawny peasant. But over time, he saw deeper and noticed more, and loved everything he knew and came to know. So he didn't care if I hadn't fallen madly in love after a month or so, I was being more genuine than that. When I did feel like I was in love with him he'd be ecstatic, but he didn't need it from me. He just wanted my interest romantically and my loyalty. Not too much to ask.

"Now, I say we head over into your bed so you can't push the couch out while I'm sleeping, and I'll give you a blowjob before bed. Okay?"

I blushed and tried not to seem eager by shrugging it off, but I was desperate for any sexual activity between the two of us. And his mouth was bound to feel good. He grinned and took my hand, pulling me against him and telling me to jump. I was confused but did it, and he grabbed my ass so my legs had to wrap around his waist. He kissed me deeply, and I wrapped my arms around his neck to hold him close. He carried me off to my room...our room, and slowly lowered me down on my back. If it weren't for wanting his head lower down, I wouldn't have unlinked my ankles. He removed my robes with magic to avoid how long it would take to do by hand and kissed me again.

He moved from my mouth to jaw, and I relaxed against his touch. He whispered that he loved me into my ear and I couldn't help releasing a little moan. He nibbled my earlobe, kissed down my neck, over my chest and had a quick lick of my nipples. I shivered as he moved down my stomach, but the prick avoided my... well,  _prick_. He moved around it to my balls, having a lick and suck, making me feel sensitive to his breath. When he finally started sucking the tip, I was ready to come, but then he all but swallowed my whole dick. I could just about hear his gag passed my moan, but he just repeated the movement over and over, as 'Yes Draco!' became just 'Yes!' which turned to an unrecognisable whine. My favourite little technique was when he was just harshly sucking on the head, but was pumping the rest vigorously fast with his hand. It was actually doing that which finished me off.

I was near incoherent, bordering sleep, but he just chuckled as he stripped off, covering me in the blanket as he climbed in. He kissed me deeply before he turned onto his side, facing away from me. I rolled over to spoon him, and he nuzzled back into me. It was a small movement, but a sweet one. And that's how we slept, our first try sexually and the first time we've shared a bed. Not bad, not bad at all. And I whispered a thank you to him, for staying even when I tried to push him away. If he'd left, maybe it could have been someone else under his lips, and the thought almost killed me. Maybe I was close to falling for him, but I don't know. Give it some time, maybe I could figure it out, and be in a truly passionate relationship with love at each end. So at least now I have an aim for that.


	11. Chapter 11

_Bright and warm, lounging in the sun on a cliché plaid picnic blanket. Draco laid on his back, the sun illuminated his hair so it shone. He was too beautiful to be real, even for a guy. He waved a chocolate-dipped strawberry in front of my mouth and fed it to me. Then he leaned up on his elbow to kiss me._

_"Chocolate flavoured kisses, they're so sweet."_

_I kissed him deeper, laying him back on the blanket so I could hover over him. Dreams were the place I felt confident enough to be dominant with him, not intimidated by his experience. His arms wrapped around my neck and pulled back to gaze at me. A hand travelled to cup my crotch and squeeze._

_"Maybe we shouldn't."_

_He rolled his eyes and pushed against my shoulders until I was sat beside him rather than over him. He sat up, but carried on rising until he stood. Then he turned and started to walk away. I called after him, but he didn't turn. I called for him to wait as I chased him, but he fixed me with a cold glare._

_"First, you won't love me, which hurts me. Now you won't put out, cos you're so damaged by your cousin. Why the duck should I stay, you take but don't give. So you really don't deserve me, Professor Snape was right."_

_He continued to move away, and trying to pull him back wasn't working. I pleaded with him to stay. I begged him to give me a chance. Losing him was tearing at my soul, it was a pain, unlike anything I'd felt before this. Like I was having an organ ripped from my body with claws. My heart. I begged him to stay, that fearing I'd lose him made me realise I loved him. But he wouldn't listen, he just kept going. My fingers slipped and I tripped over. I looked up to see him leaving me in the dirt, going towards a silhouette of another man with his arms out._

**~o0o~**

I woke up. I was crying, and I wriggled out to find Draco so he could hold me. But he wasn't there. I sat to look, but he wasn't in the room. I felt frozen, numb. Even my tears stopped running as I thought I'd lost him. I tried to kick him out, but he'd taken that out by running off when I was sleeping. I'd felt pain, and panic, even loneliness. But now I felt empty, almost as if I was missing something. It was so much worse than feeling hurt. I reached to the side for my wand and pressed the tip to my arm. Then the door opened.

Draco came in, rubbing his left eye and carrying a glass of water. He looked me over. Tear-stained cheeks, hazy eyes and my wand pressed over old scars. He opened his mouth, probably to yell at me as his eyebrows curved down, but then the tears started again. I was relieved he hadn't felt. Ecstatic over how confused and angry he looked over seeing me this way. I let my doubts get to me, but once again he had proved them all wrong. I put my wand back on the table and held my arms open for him.

"Bad dream, and you weren't in bed so I'd thought you'd left me. But I'm okay now. You're still here."

He rolled his eyes, "of course I'm still here idiot."

He came to lay beside me. I snuggled into his arms and thought about telling him about my feelings, but decided against it. You don't throw the word 'love' around liberally, otherwise, it loses its meaning. I'd tell him tomorrow maybe, while we cuddle in bed before sleep. I could try giving him a blowjob or a handjob or something. Make it special, then maybe it could be the first time we go all the way together.

He fell asleep first, and I followed soon after, once I'd convinced myself tomorrow was the night. The night we'd do it.

**~o0o~**

It was strange. I woke up thinking I was groggy because I'd had less sleep. The room was colder, so I knew Draco wasn't in bed with me. This time I didn't panic, I was sure he loved me and I'd accepted I love him back. It was securing to understand how he felt, that if he loved me like I loved him then he wouldn't want to be without me. After a minute the haziness faded, and I could hear his tense voice from the next room. He sounded pissed, but the wood of the door muffled his words so they were incomprehensible. I only needed to open it a crack to hear what he was saying.

"Get out of here. Granger get him out of here." He growled, "I'm not letting you anywhere near him after how you've treated him."

"What fucking right do you have to say who he can and can't see?"

It was Ron. What was Ron doing here? But Draco was being really defensive, I could only imagine the glare he was throwing his way. And he mentioned Hermione's name, so she must be in my the living room too. But why? I heard her try to coax Ron out, but he must have stayed in place. There was a crash and I fully opened the bedroom door. I saw Ron flat on his back just outside the suite, and Hermione was rushing to him. Draco apologised and closed the door, turning to pause when he saw me.

"What would you like for breakfast?"

He sauntered past me, fully dressed and showered, headed for our little kitchen. I didn't know how to respond, he'd just shoved my best friends away without letting Ron say his piece. All he'd have said was some nonsense and an apology if Hermione had come with him. After how he'd helped me out the day before, it made sense that he was trying. And Draco had ruined it.

"Why the fuck did you do that?" I scowled, "he was probably coming to apologise and makeup, he had Hermione with him."

He didn't respond. Only the tightening of his grip on the kettle showed me he'd even heard me. That just made my anger worse, because I was justifiably pissed over Ron and he was ignoring me. I stormed over to take the kettle out of his hands. He crossed his arms over his chest but still didn't answer me. He didn't look at me either. He asked what I was waiting for him to say, and my voice rose as I demanded he explains why he was isolating me to him.

"I'm not. Why the fuck do you think I apologised to Hermione for acting like that in front of her? But the last time you two talked, he punched you. He turned on you, already knowing you were in a dark place, because you were trying to be happy with me and he didn't agree with that. So now he's decided his tantrum is over, and your gonna run back into his arms. He is taking advantage of your weaknesses, and I try and stand up for you but I'm the arsehole. Fine, fuck it, I'll just fucking leave you to it. I'll be the sad fuck, pining for you like a lap dog letting you use me for sex, knowing that you'll never fucking love me back. Because I am that in love with you, all I want is for you to be happy, but I can't even do that."

Before I could so much as breathe, he was grabbing his satchel on the way out of the door. My first feelings were anger and indignation, but that only lasted halfway through his shower before the fear sunk in. Draco was really angry. Like he might not come back. I recognise that he's overdramatic sometimes, but I think his emotions had just piled on. I can't imagine loving someone for years, finally having them, but still, they don't love you back. Or at least I haven't said I love him back, I was saving that for tonight.

All the things he said, it was like in my nightmare. He could actually leave me because I was trying to be sentimental and make it special when I said I loved him. And he's not sentimental, I've learnt that at least over our time together. I should have said it last night. But I'll see him in class, so I'll be able to tell him then. I can fix this, cure his insecurities and we'll get past this. His outburst doesn't need to be too big a crack in our relationship. I can fix it. I have to fix it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I get Draco's outburst may be OTT, but it's meant to be. He's over-emotional and over-dramatic, and has been harbouring his feelings for years until they've come out and Harry hasn't said them back. He's bottling up, which is bad. So yeah, it's necessary.


	12. Chapter 12

"This morning, I was trying to apologise." Ron blushed, "I was wrong to react how I did over you and Malfoy, I was angry that you were making a stupid decision and making it seem so great. I just thought you should know better. But then I saw how happy you've been together. I thought he was gonna be a bit of a dick, but I didn't expect the forceful shoving. Good to know he can look after you I guess."

Ron spluttered through his apology at breakfast, looking at my plate instead of me. I waved him off, I expected the apology. Ron being sorry and us being friends again was a given the minute he dropped the ears. But my actual relationship was the worry right now. He wasn't at breakfast, so I hadn't spoken to him yet like I'd planned. I was really starting to worry.

I explained the situation to him and Hermione. He just agreed with everything I said, that Draco was over-reacting, and promised he'd get over it. Hermione was both more and less helpful, as she suggested it wasn't a simple over-reaction so the resolution would need more effort.

"Think about it Ron, you ruined the Yule Ball for me because you were jealous I didn't go with you after you'd been developing feelings for me. Draco's had these feelings for years, and when Harry learned the depth of them, he didn't say he loved him back. That would bother anyone. I think his problem is that Harry has problems, so he doesn't want to talk about it and upset him. He bottles up his feelings, so this little thing pushed him over the edge. Ron came and bugged him, he felt guilty for the pushing, then Harry has a go at him when he thought he was doing the right thing so he's guilty and confused and probably ashamed. It was too much, so it's hard to say how long this will last without an apology from Harry."

I honestly didn't feel better after that, but it was more realistic than Ron's idea. She told me to talk to him when I saw him in class. It made me anxious to wait, but Hermione insisted I eat something. Except when I got to History of Magic, Draco wasn't there. He wasn't there all lesson, or the lesson after. Hermione insisted it was just him cooling down, and I agreed until lunchtime. But then my mind started going haywire. He wasn't there. How long did it take to calm down?

Then I started thinking of the worst. Like he was avoiding me. Or he was with someone else, that thought nearly brought me to tears in Transfiguration. Or a death eater could have found their way into the school because Dumbledore wasn't there, and was torturing him to avenge Voldemort. Sure, it was far-fetched, but I was panicking. I held everything, but Potions was the last straw. It was his favourite subject, he was the best in the class, yet he wasn't in the room. That was as much as I could take.

I left my friends in the doorway and ran before Slughorn came into the room. I didn't know where to look. I guessed the Slytherin dorms, but I wouldn't be able to get in them. It would be a waste of time if he wasn't there. Then it hit me, I could use the Marauder's Map. It would tell me exactly where he was, and I'd know if he was okay because of who he was with. I ran as fast as I could back to my suite.

I rushed around, looking for the map in our room. I turned around at the sound of metal touching in the kitchen. I looked out, and there he was. He wasn't with someone else, or being tortured, and it didn't seem like he was avoiding me. He was cooking.

"You're early, skipping Potions I take it?"

His tone was snarky, he was back to normal. It was a relief. I ran to him and couldn't stop myself from throwing my arms around his waist. He held his arms up, wooden spoon covered by some kind of sauce dripping on the kitchen side. I slapped his arm and asked what he'd been doing all day. He gestured around the kitchen, where pots and pans held different foods.

"I was making an 'I'm sorry' dinner, for flipping my shit this morning. The things I said were uncalled for, they were just my insecurities and I didn't mean to push them on you. Just say it when you're ready, it's your thing. I just need to stop being... stop thinking the worst."

I kissed him, it was all I'd wanted to do to reassure him. I apologised for losing my temper when I knew he was only trying to do the right thing. I should learn from my mistakes, but I still wanted my confession to really mean something to him, and it was my thing, so I planned to tell him later. Maybe during dinner, or when we were in bed. One night with his mouth on me and now I wanted it all the time. Because he was tender and compassionate with me, not like the crap I knew before. And I just know he'll be the same when we actually go all the way.

"Look, let me finish up cooking the meats for the main and then I'll bring the soup to the table for us."

"You cook? I would have never guessed."

"House elves don't do everything for me, and cooking is fun for me. Like Potions."

Amused, I shook my head and sat at the table. Looks like Ron was at least half right, it didn't take that long to make up. But I need to talk to him about the bottling up thing. When I bottle things up I hurt myself, and he lashes out at people. Our relationship will always be rocky if he does that. So we need to communicate better, about our feelings anyway.

A steaming bowl of soup was placed in front of me, and he sat across from me with his. Creamy tomato and herb he said. Whatever it was, it was so good. It was actually better than when the house elves make it, apparently, it was herbs that they just don't use. For the main, he'd made pork and potatoes with some fancy sauce and green stalk things. They were also really nice.

"I suppose you made dessert too?"

Draco blushed, "kind of. I made some chocolate sauce and got whipped cream from the kitchens. I thought, after a long day, you might want me for dessert. Though I made brownies as a backup."

"I'll take the first choice."

He bit his lip and closed his eyes, and when he opened them they held this lust that started getting me hard without him even touching me. He asked how I wanted dessert, but in all honesty, I wouldn't know. He came around the table to straddle my lap and kiss me. I was truly addicted to him kissing me. But I knew he wanted more than that, and I did too for that matter.

"Draco, I want you." I panted. "I want to go all the way with you, and I want you to top."

His eyes widened. I could feel his hesitancy as his body tensed, and he bit his lip again, though this time in indecision. I pleaded as I stroked the sides of his face. I promised to go slow, but I knew he would, and got up to lead me to our room. After a trip out to the kitchen to bring back the chocolate and cream, he came back in as I undressed. I was only in my underwear, and his eyes moved over me hungrily.

He dipped a finger in the chocolate sauce and sucked it into his mouth as he gazed at me. It was very hot. He repeated the action but held his finger out for me to suck. My cheeks blushed vivid red as I wrapped my lips around his finger. He stripped the top half of his body one-handed, but took the other from me to remove the rest. Then we were on equal footing.

"And want is it you want now Harry?"

I blushed at the openness of that question. I was acting so bashful, which isn't me at all, and he's relishing my embarrassment. Prick. I demanded he kiss my body, like the night before. I said I wanted to feel his lips worship my body as his fingers opened my hole for him. I turned the heat of my words on him, and he groaned.

I was flat on my back in moments, spreading my legs for him to crawl between. He trailed cream and sauce down my body, leading down to the tip of my stiff dick. I shivered as he started down the path he'd made, cleaning with his tongue. It was near maddening. When his mouth was finally on my cock it was like heaven. As he slurped along, I felt his fingers massage my hole.

"Hey, mind if we try doing that 69 position. I want to try returning the favour."

Draco smirked. He turned his body around, so I had his dick dangling in front of me. It was the closest I'd been to it the entire time we'd been together, and it was inches from my face. I reached for the dessert bowl, scooping some into my hand to rub along the shaft and balls. I thought it would make it easier to really swallow. I was tentative, but he was patient with my dick back in his mouth and newly-wet fingers rubbing my hole.

I licked along the side, over a vein that pulsed out. He made no noise, but his lips tightened. I licked again. And again. When I felt brave enough to suck the tip, he moaned. The vibrations of his throat and tongue were stimulating, and I doubled my effort on his dick so he'd moan more on mine. Which worked for the most part. Then he stopped the rubbing and started pushing his finger inside me. My moan must have given him the same pleasure because he groaned back.

The chocolate and cream had been sucked clear by now, but I didn't stop to add more. Draco's dick actually didn't taste that bad anyway, so I didn't mind. And I was enjoying the weight on my tongue too much. One finger became two, and we both just got louder I was almost sure I would come when he started fucking me with three fingers. It was so good.

"If you want me to actually fuck you, I'd suggest you stop sucking, or I'll blow it in your mouth before we actually start."

I let go and he flipped around. He settled between my thighs, but I could see him hesitating.

"Stop hesitating, I want this, give it to me."

He nodded, positioning himself under me. He went slow and didn't stop until he bottomed out, then let me get used to him. There was a slickness that made it easier, so something happened without me noticing. It stung a little and felt strange. But I know moving makes it better. I asked him to move. He only rolled his hips so there was minimum movement. It stung slightly, was just sort of uncomfortable. But it didn't look that way to him.

His eyes were closed tight, lips parted with the bottom one quivering. His face was pure pleasure. He opened his eyes, and I could see how good it was for him. I wanted to make him tense, so I asked if he was making that face because I was really tight around him. He closed his eyes, shivering a little. He told me to keep talking, that my dirty talk was turning him on. I didn't know what to say. He started to pull out and sink back in slowly. It hurt more, but I also felt good, there was more movement against that nice point.

"So you want me to tell you how this feels, how much your big dick stretches me out, and how good it is?"

He let out a shaky breath and I felt encouraged. I wanted to say more, to drive him wild with words like he can do with his mouth. But I didn't know what to say. But then I thought of something that might make him shiver. The only worry was that the slow pace, which was getting better and better, would be too distracting that it wouldn't work. I said sexy in Parseltongue. He moaned loudly and snapped his hips forward. It was harsh but good. Really good.

"Keep talking like that and I'll really start moving."

I said something random in Parseltongue. He moved harsher, so I kept babbling in the snake language.  _Yes! Fuck! Good! More! Please!_ Not that he understood anything I said, but he kept moving faster anyway. When he started stroking my dick I lost my mind, losing all coherency that I wasn't speaking any language. I was finished in moments. But it didn't truly end, as he kept fucking me through my orgasm and kept stroking me until I felt this warmth spread inside me and he slowed.

He collapsed next to me. I said he loved me again and thanked me for letting him have me as no one had before.

"Well I'm yours, and I guess now is special enough to tell you that you were wrong this morning. I wanted to make it special when I told I love you too."

He turned to look at me. He looked shocked and slightly disbelieving, but I just smiled. He grabbed me with the brightest smile I'd ever seen on him. He hugged me tightly, kissing all over my face, begging me to say it again. No matter how many times I said it, he wanted to hear it again.

"You'll hear it again, we're together. And I want to stay together for a fucking long-ass time."

"Even when Dumbledore comes back and we're separated?"

"Even then. I love you, nothing's going to stop that. You've honestly helped me so much with what I've been going through, and I know it's not over, but I know you'll be with me to support me. And I'll support you back. We'll be fine. I haven't got Voldemort to worry about, and I don't know about you but I'll get you through them."

He clung to me and I gripped him back. We wouldn't spend as much time together when Dumbledore gets back, but what would that actually change for us? Nothing. There'll be bumps, every relationship has bumps, but we'll get through them. I wasn't worried, and I think his insecurities were covered now. So that was it. Nobody can know everything, but I can believe that we'll work. I can hope for the idyllic 'together since we were young' life together. Maybe we will be, maybe we won't. Nobody can no everything about what will be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nobody includes you *reader*. This has taken a while, but now I think this has worn out it's welcome. Sorry if you wanted more, but I just don't feel it. It took a lot, and it was a rewrite of something I wrote years ago when I was illiterate, so I wanted to rewrite before I posted but it doesn't have the same excitement. So hope the disappointment isn't too bad :/ I have other things I wanna write too...


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